the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
