Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
