So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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