I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
