My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
