she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
