You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Hippo gnu deer
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize
