Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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