Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
