Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
