I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize