1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
