She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
