I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
