1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
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keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
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I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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