Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I deserve this hangover.
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