It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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