my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
