all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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