I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
