Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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