Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub