no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
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Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
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This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.