Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
