I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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