I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
