I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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