my phone needs a breathalizer
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
