I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
