He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
