hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
