Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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