I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
