oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
