Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
