hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
