Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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