i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
