today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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