I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
