eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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