I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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