I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
