I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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