i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
