eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
