I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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