I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
