is your mom at the bar?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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