I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
