Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
