Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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