Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
