South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
