Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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