Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize