woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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