Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
