I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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