Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
