bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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